“You are like the sister I wish I had”.

Strong words.

Before I start this post, I am no saint. I have been in and out of other peoples lives too.

But I am talking about something different.

This post is about someone you really thought was a keeper, deciding she doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore.

Spoiler: It sucks.

It’s like being back in the playground

I hated school, I didn’t mind the lessons but hated the whole dynamic of being in an all-girls private school.

Cliques were made and dissolved overnight. It was stressful knowing that one day you may be liked but the next day taunted just for expressing the ‘wrong’ opinion.

It affected me so much that I developed a hypervigilance around wanting to be liked.

As I sit here, reeling from the constant play-back in my head, I realise that I made one fatal mistake…

I made that mistake THEN and NOW.

I stopped showing up as me

You see, when you are really you. (And I mean chin hair and a whiff of unwashed armpits) You give permission for your friend to feel at ease. You are no threat. I am not suggesting you wander around trying to gross your friends out on purpose. I mean show them the REAL YOU.

I have spent my life, until recently, playing small. Occasionally I tried playing it big, it felt good, and then I reverted back into SMALL BRIDGET.

Small me would go along with the crowd.

Small me would agree with another person’s point of view just for peace.

Small me would wear a veil of ‘oh that comes naturally to me’ when the reality was quite different.

Small me would curate things just for social media.

In order to make peace with friendship loss, play it big

After much soul-searching, I decided to show up every day as ME.

That means playing it BIG.

If a friend chooses not to like that version of me then that’s fine.

That’s the real me.

• The one who constantly rubs her chin in search of a new menopausal chin hair.

• The me that doesn’t dare laugh after eating lots of fibre.

• The Bridget who doesn’t like wearing shorts because of cellulite.

I could go on but I won’t, I want to know if any of this resonates with you?

If it does then just take a moment to ask yourself the following:

1) How am I presenting myself to the outside world?

2) Do my friends know the real me?

3) Do I inspire them for the right or wrong reasons?

4) Do I go to bed at night feeling comfortable that I have shown my fellow female warriors some honest and raw truth that may help them.

I still don’t know the reason(s) why my friend divorced me. Like a failed loving relationship I keep playing the “It’s not you, it’s me” reason offered. I don’t believe that for one second.

I am owning it, it IS me. And do you know what? That’s absolutely fine.

I’m here to play bigger now.